My Adventure with Mario
by Tollgatekeeper
Summary: Todd's been hired to help Mario snap out of his depression, but can the teenager survive a trip to the Mushroom Kingdom when Luigi, Toad and even D.K won't leave him alone? Check out this crazy and humorous fic.
1. Chapter 1: It'sa me, Mario!

A note: This is the first story I have submitted to fan or online even, and came from an idea I had while I was chatting.

The story itself is not in my usual writing style, being written from the POV of a thirteen-year-old kid (I am actually nineteen), so hopefully I'll be motivated to submit more writing in the future in other styles.

Oh, and even while I may be bagging out Mario slightly in this story, in actuality I am a big Mario fan, so it's all just for a bit of fun.

Hopefully it'll make you chuckle now and then at least. Be aware of some strong language, too.

And I don't own Mario or any other characters from Nintendo, obviously.

* * *

My Adventure with Mario

Dear Diary, today I had a very bad drug-trip, which was quite an accomplishment for me seeing as I don't do drugs.

I still can't comprehend what actually happened; I was playing my beloved Mario game for the Gamecube, when all of a sudden there was a huge implosion, a cloud of dust, and Mario was standing there in all his glory, blinking and looking around my room.

"What the fuck!" I yelled; my first reaction to Mario appearing in my room.

I grabbed a bat from beside my bed and ran at this monstrosity, swinging the bat at his head. He just grabbed the bat with a gloved hand and gave me a look a bird might give an ant.

"It's-a-me, Mario!" He yelled at me cheerfully, and suddenly threw the bat straight at my TV, where it shattered the screen and caused it to fall backwards onto the floor with a crash.

My TV was totally destroyed, and it had cost me like fifty dollars!

"No, you can't be real!" I stuttered, backing away from the video game character.

"It's-a-me, Mario!" He shouted again, as if that proved everything.

Then he just stood there, looking at me.

Instead of getting mad again, I actually asked him what he wanted, especially with me, a thirteen-year-old kid! He explained using many a "It's-a-me, Mario's" and "Momma Mia's" that he got sick of his video game world and had to bust out to have some fun. Also, apparently Luigi was being a bitch.

And, Dear Diary, that's when I did something that, looking back on it now, was pretty stupid. "Okay Mario," I told him, "I suppose I can show you around town and stuff-and hey, you can meet my friends and sign autographs!"

Instantly Mario's eyebrows lowered. "Momma Mia!" He roared angrilly, which I took to mean "Bitch, I ain't hanging around with your friends!"

And with that, Mario kicked down the door of my room and stormed off down the hallway, leaving me to trail after him.

It was a good thing my parent's weren't home, for Mario opened the fridge, swore in Italian and roared "Where-a-the Pasta!" at the top of his lungs.

Apparently he really wasn't having a good day, Dear Diary! Then we headed outside, and Mario, upon seeing my mum's car in the drive-way, hopped into the driver's seat, taking the keys down from their hiding place on the dashboard.

"Mario, what are you doing?" I asked, sliding into the passenger's seat and buckling up my seat belt with a feeling of apprehension. "You can't drive!"

He just looked at me, his mustache quivering, and said three words: "Mario Kart, bitch!"

And with that we were off! Mario knocked over my mail box trying to get out of the drive-way, and I think he might have hit my cat, but apart from that he was a good driver!

"Maybe this will be a fun adventure!" I thought excitedly to myself.

Well, Dear Diary, it was pretty cool at first, driving around with my hero Mario-I pointed out all my favourite spots in the town to him, but after a while Mario's eyes drooped and he muttered "Momma Mia!" to himself, and gave me a look that said to shut up...then he spotted a fast food drive-thru and pulled the car into the ordering lane.

I'm just glad the place had pasta, or things might have gotten messy.

Unfortunately, we had no money on us, so when we got up to the counter where you pay for the meal, Mario just gave the female worker a look and yelled "It's-a-me, Mario!" at her, glancing intentionally at the pasta, indicating that he was such a huge star he should not have to pay for pasta.

" Yeah, that's good, but it'll be eight ninety-five," the girl muttered, not recognising who Mario was-being female I guess she had never played a game before!

"Let's a-go!" Mario roared at the employee, holding out his hand for the pasta. It was like his crack or something, he wanted it so badly.

"First, pay up!" The girl yelled back, and I shrunk down into my seat, dreading what Mario would do.

Well, next thing I know he's staring at the girl, and he starts to shake and vibrate, while turning a bright shade of red!

"Ghnnnnnnnn!" He grunted through clenched teeth. "Duck!" I yelled at the girl, but it was too late.

"Mariooooooo!" Mario cried, and his fist grew to twice its normal size, and suddenly he leaned over to the window and punched the girl in the face and then grabbed the pasta when it fell from her hands!

I could only look on in shock as Mario sped away, laughing like a maniac.

Mario gobbled the pasta down in about ten seconds, and then he revved the engine and took us down to the...shadier part of the town. I recognized it only because my father always warned me not to go down there.

"Mario, what are you doing?" I whispered, glancing fearfully out my window.

Mario only held up his white glove in front of my face, indicating that I should be quiet.

Then, to my horror Mario pulled over in front of a group of...of prostitutes and honked his horn loudly. I could not believe what I was seeing!

"Mario, what..." I started, but was hushed again. One of the girls came over to the driver's side door and looked in, bending down low. I tried to shut my eyes, but couldn't, Dear Diary!

"Well well well, what do we have here, looking for some fun, handsome?" The girl purred, and then froze when she saw Mario's face.

"Oh my god, what happened to you? Are you some sort of midget or something? Gross!" She cried at Mario, and slapped him in the face and moved on.

Mario's face turned red again and he shook in his seat, but he didn't yell this time, but went on to the next girl. Every time he was rejected by the girls, until he found an older one who would give him a "quickie" for 200 dollars.

"Let's a go!" Mario yelled triumphantly, rubbing his hands together. He went to open the door, but I put a hand on his shoulder.

"Momma Mia!" He yelled, turning to me.

I just shook my head sadly. "Mario, you can't do this! Normally I'd let it slide, because I've had so much fun so far, but...you have the Princess, Mario!"

Mario bowed his head. I thought he was going to get mad at me again, but then I saw a tear trickle down his cheek.

"Peach-a no like-a me!" He sobbed loudly, putting his head in his hands. "I musta save her twenty times already, but-a I see no action!" He bawled.

"And then yesterday-a, I walk in on her with Luigi! Luigi! He-a skinny ass bitch!" Mario roared through the tears, and collapsed onto my shoulder, crying loudly.

I nodded, understanding now. "So you thought you'd break out of the video game world and vent your rage out here." I said.

He nodded, blowing his nose on a hanky he pulled out of no-where it seemed. "I want to mess-a things up!" He sighed, gripping the steering wheel.

"How about you talk to Luigi about it?" I suggested. "Or move onto another girl? There's that Daisy from Mario Golf and stuff, she seems okay!"

Mario gave me a dirty look. "She slut, she have-a herpes!" He said disgustingly.

"That prostitute probably has herpes too," I said gently, and finally got through to him.

"Let's a-go!" He yelled, and we sped off once more.

We did some more sight-seeing, only Mario had calmed down a bit now, and only swore and cried every five minutes or so. Then we headed home, and I thought the adventure was finally over.

But, as we pulled back into my drive after Mario did a hit-and-run on a possum, we found someone waiting for us in the driveway, his arms crossed. It was Luigi.

"Momma Mia, it's lasagne boy!" Mario yelled upon seeing his brother, and stepped onto the accelerator, zooming towards Luigi.

"Mario, No!" I cried, and dove on the steering wheel, causing the car to turn at the last minute and crash through my living-room wall instead.

Mario hopped out straight away, advancing on Luigi. "You-a bitch!" He cried.

"Mariooo, I can explain!"Luigi said, ducking away from Mario's fists. "The princess and I-a were both drunk on wine!"

"You drink my wine too!" Mario roared, weaving and punching like a bad boxer.

"Yes, and you've had-a some wine too by the looks of it!" Luigi admonished.

The two started slapping at each other, and all I could hear from the car wreck were cries of "Oh nooo!" from Luigi, and "Here we goooo!" from Mario.

I stepped out of the car groggily and stumbled over to the brothers.

"That's enough!" I shouted, pulling them apart.

They both turned and looked at me, panting heavily. "You're brothers, you can't fight!" I pleaded. "Think of all the adventures you've had together, and besides, Bowser's your true enemy!"

"Bowser not so bad, I have him over last weekend!" Luigi butted in, and Mario punched him in the face, crying "Traitor!"

I pulled them apart again. "Yes, but...think of everything you've done together!" I tried again.

Mario's face softened, and he looked over at Luigi. "He has-a a point!" He sighed.

But Luigi still looked slightly put-off. "How-a many games you been in, huh?" He scolded.

Mario looked proud. "Twenty-seven!" He boasted, thrusting his chest out. "But you-a had a game too, Luigi! It was called...what, something-a to do with a mansion?" Mario chuckled mockingly, while Luigi turned red.

"That was actually a pretty good game!" I said, without thinking.

"Traitor! The game sucked balls!" Mario roared, and jumped on my back, punching and biting.

"Mario, no!" Luigi shouted, trying to get his drunk brother off of me, while I stumbled back into my ruined house. "Bitch-a!"Mario yelled into my ear.

But I had a plan. I ran into my room with Mario still attached to me and dove onto my Gamecube, which was still on. I managed to reach out a hand and pushed down the power button, throwing off the power.

"Nooooooooooo!" Mario cried, as he disappeared back into his game with Luigi, who was just entering through the door to my room.

I collapsed back panting onto my bed. It was over.

I started to laugh. Mario had been pretty cool, but I was glad to be rid of him! Now all I had to deal with was a massive, gaping hole in the side of my house.

Suddenly a ticking sound filled my ears, and I looked outside my door to see a Bob-omb quivering on the carpet-Mario must have dropped it before he vanished!

"Oh shiii-" I cried, as the bomb went off.

After that I only remember waking up in a hospital some hours later, to be told that my house was demolished, and they had barely pulled me out of the rubble in time to save my life.

My parents are going to be pissed...but I wouldn't take back my adventure for anything! Mario is the coolest! I hope he comes back to visit again soon!

-End of part 1.

* * *

Well, there you have it. As this is my first submission I would be _over the moon _to recieve any reviews, good or bad. It would make Mario happy, too. Well...no, not really, that last bit is a lie. 


	2. Chapter 2: Crashing a party

Author's note: The second chapter of this crazy story is here! I still don't own any of the characters (sorry-I tried though), it still contains swearing, and Mario's still being a bit of a pain.

* * *

Chapter 2: Crashing a party in the Mushroom Kingdom

Dear Diary...I haven't written anything in you for ages, ever since that...that Mario incident. I know that back then I said that I had fun with Mario, and I did, in a way, but...afterwards things weren't so good.

I am now fourteen, and since Mario came and fucked my life up, I haven't been the same! Heblew upmy house, which wasn't insured, to start with. When my parents came up to the hospital where I was staying they lost it, and blamed each other for not raising me right, and then they divorced shortly after that.

I kept telling people "Mario did it! Dust for fingerprints or something!" but no-one believed me.

All they knew for sure was that I and a "friend" had taken my parent's car for a joy-ride. My "friend" then punched a fast food employee in the face, andafterwards theemployee sued my family for the remainder of their money.

I was also spotted downtown trying to buy sex from prostitutes.

I was blamed for everything. Everything!

And now I live in a run-down place with a guardian since none of my parents want to raise a boy they think has lost it.

And it's all Mario's fault! That bitch of a plumber is going to pay, and I know just how to get him back!

I have been experimenting with my Gamecube, you see- I know that Mario came _out_ of it, but I can't waste my life waiting for him to come back again.

So I plan on going _into_ the Gamecube instead, and hunting Mario down! I don't quite know what I will do to him when I find him, but I'm sure it will be painful beyond words for Mario! I shall write more once I try to transport into Mario's world.

Dear Diary, I did it! Somehow I connected my Gamecube with a power source and some highly illegal materials, and next thing I knew I was sucked into my Gamecube...I passed through it, shrunk, and next thing I knew I opened my eyes and I was here, in the Mushroom Kingdom! Everything is bright green and pretty, with clouds bobbing along nicely in the sky, but I ignored my surroundings and headed straight to where I knew Mario would be: his house!

It didn't take me long to find: cartoony, red, and with a big fucking "M" on it...Mario sure doesn't believe in lying low.

I hopped the fence, ran to the door, and kicked that bitch in, stepping into the house and looking around.

To my surprise though, the place was packed! I saw Goombas and Koopa turtles, Shy Guys and Ghouls and Toads, and Luigi, Peach and Mario at a big table. Mario was at the head of the table, and there was a big cake in front of him with candles on it.

His eyes widened in shock upon seeing me.

"Oh-a SHIT!" He yelled.

"That's right, you bitch!" I yelled, swatting a Koopa out of my way and advancing on the party table. "Remember me?"

The characters in the Gamecube world were all around my size, so I actually didn't have a height advantage or anything, but I was pissed off.

"I, er, I never-a see you-a before in my life!" Mario stammered nervously.

Luigi was gaping at me. "Mario, that's the kid you tried to kill!" He whispered loudly.

"I did not-a try to kill him, I was just a bit-a drunk that day!" Mario defended angrily.

"Yeah, you blew up my house and left me to live a half life!" I roared at him.

"Mario!" Peach exclaimed, her eyes widening. "Is this true?"

"He-a crazy!" Mario yelled, turning red.

"Oh yeah? Remember THIS?" I shouted triumphantly, pulling a photo out of my pocket. I showed it to the table.

"Oh my god!" Peach exclaimed.

The photo was a security photo I had managed to track down that showed Mario oggling the prostitutes- but when I had showed the police the photo they had accused me of photo-shopping it!

"Mario, you...you dirty pervert!" Peach shrieked, covering her mouth.

"Oh, fuck-a this!" Mario said, and hopped up from the table, ran from the living room and slammed a door, presumably leading to his bedroom.

The whole room went quiet, and then a little Toad started to cry loudly.

"Momma, why is Mario upset?" The Toad turned and asked his mother between sobs.

"Because Mister Mario was caught trying to get sex from-" The father began, but stopped when his wife elbowed him in the ribs.

"Mario's just having a bad day," the mother soothed her son.

"More like he's having a bad _year_," the father interjected again with a laugh, and got smacked up the side of his head by his wife.

Suddenly I realised that half of the room was looking at me expectantly, waiting to see what I was going to do next.

"Um..." I began, scratching my head. Truth be told I didn't know what my next course of action should be- I couldn't exactly go in and bash up Mario, and then calmly leave now, could I? Part of the anger I was feeling disappeared.

Peach was dabbing at her eyes with a silk handkerchief. "I'm so sorry about Mario," she said with a sigh. "He's been rather cranky for a while..."

Luigi got up and pulled out a seat for me. "Here, sit down, okay-a?" He said earnestly.

Not knowing what else I could do, I had no choice but to sit. Again, I noticed the large cake in the middle of the table.

"Is it Mario's birthday or something?" I asked, figuring that it would have to be.

"It is," Peach said, smiling.

"How old is he? " I asked curiously.

"Um, no-one really knows, " Luigi admitted sheepishly. "We just celebrate his birthday normally, but it feels like he's been around for ages!"

I nodded and took a chance to look around the room. It was a small house-just a living room area where we were sitting, a small kitchen off to one side with no dividing wall in-between, and a short hallway with two doors that were probably bedrooms.

Mario's choice of furniture was bizarre: he had a pink couch that looked like it could fold out into a bed, a small table with a 1-up mushroom on it, and a small, ancient TV in one corner of the room that looked like it wasn't used much. Mario's fridge was white and plain, and was probably packed full with emergency pasta.

"So why did you come here today?" Peach asked. "To get Mario to apologize? "

A small Boo was hovering curiously around my legs underneath the table. I kicked out a foot to try to scare it away, not quite liking the idea of getting too close to a ghost.

"Um, something like that," I lied. Why did it have to be Mario's birthday today? I thought miserably. "Maybe I should come back another day though, " I added, starting to rise.  
"Nonsense!" Peach declared. "If Mario did all those horrible things to you, he should apologize immediately. "

She stood up. "Come with me...ah, what is your name?" She asked me.

"Todd, " I replied.

She beckoned to me with one white glove and I started to follow her away from the table. Luigi got up from the table and ran after us. "I gotta see this, " he chuckled.

"Oh," Peach said suddenly, stopping in her tracks. She turned back to the assorted creatures in the room. "Sorry about this, everyone!" She apologized. "Mario will be back soon, and we'll have the cake."  
"Don't worry Princess," The big-mouthed father Toad said. "This is all very entertaining. Ow! Stop hitting me!" This last bit was to his wife.

"Yeah, I've never seen a human before!" A Koopa spoke up shyly.

We left the living room and went down the hallway, where Peach tapped politely on Mario's door.

"Mario, let us in, your friend wants to have a word with you," she called.

A string of expletives came out from behind the door. Luigi sniggered.

"Mario, that's awful!" Peach admonished, looking at me embarrassedly. "I'm so sorry. For a while now Mario has just...lost his zest for life! He used to go on heaps of adventures, compete in all kinds of sports, ride racing karts, everything! Now all he does is mope around his house."

I wondered if it had anything to do with Peach cheating on him with Luigi-that's why he had been so upset last time I saw him, after all.

"Let me try," Luigi said eagerly, seeming to be enjoying himself.  
"Marioooo," he called. "I have some pasta out here! Nice and fresh!"

Mario told him exactly where he could stick his pasta, and Luigi's eyes widened.

"Momma-Mia!" He exclaimed.

Peach looked worried. "This is bad, normally Mario can't resist pasta!" She looked to Luigi, a fire in her eyes. "Luigi, knock down this door!"

Luigi's eyes lit up. "I get to do something? Hooray! This is just like the time I won this Mansion, and-"

"We know, we know," Peach and I both chorused.  
"Just knock down the door please, Luigi." Peach said.

Luigi looked insulted, but backed away from the door, preparing to knock it down. He bobbed up and down, sucking in air.

"Here I come, Mario!" He declared. "Luigi-a special cannon goooooo!" He cried, and flung himself at the door head-first, sailing through the air.

There was a crunch, the sound of wood breaking, and when I opened my eyes I saw that Luigi's head had gone through the wood, but his body was still on this side of the door, his legs waving in the air wildly.

I could hear Mario's angry voice from the other side.  
"Luigi! What did you-a do to my door? "He said angrily. "I oughta slap your face!"

Peach pushed at the sagging door, and it swung open, causing Luigi's head to hit the wall on the other side. I heard Luigi say some things that probably shouldn't be repeated.

The Princess and I both rushed into the room, and I gasped aloud at the sight I saw.

Mario was sitting on his bed with a guilty expression on his face. In his hand was a large see-through cup which was filled with poisonous mushrooms. He was currently frozen in place, one poison mushroom raised half-way up to his mouth.

"Mario, no!" Peach shrieked, and hurried forward and slapped the mushroom out of his hand.

When I saw that Mario was trying to fish more poison mushrooms out of the cup to swallow, I rushed forward and tackled him off the bed, sending the glass flying.

"Get-a off me!" Mario cried, flailing underneath me on the floor. "I-a can't take anymore of this!"

"It's not the answer!" I shouted, trying to avoid Mario's flying fists.

Fortunately for me, Luigi un-stuck himself from the door and came to my aid, jumping on Mario and trying to subdue him. Between the two of us we finally calmed him down, until he stopped thrashing around and sat on his bed, his head in his hands. Peach sat down next to him.

"Mario, what's wrong? "She asked gently. "Are you still...upset that Luigi and I...you know? Because that was a mistake, and it happened so long ago now!"

Mario shook his head, sighing. "It is-a not that! I'm over that now...I think-a I might be having a mid-life crisis!"

"Are you even old enough to have a mid-life crisis?" Luigi asked, and Mario glared at him.

Peach looked somewhat relieved though. "Well I guess that does explain a lot! And now we can all help you through this."

Mario managed a weak smile, and then his eyes fell on me.  
"I'm sorry I wrecked your life, " he sighed. "Mario should-a not have 'let's-a-go ' that time!"

I frowned, trying to make sense of what he was saying. Oh well, I figured that there was some sort of apology in there somewhere. Besides, I no longer felt angry with Mario. How could I? The poor guy was feeling really down, he wasn't getting any, and his love of pasta had even fallen slightly!

"I'll help too, " I blurted out. "I mean...if it's okay, I'd like to stay for a while and help in any way I can. There's not much for me to go back to in the real world anyway."  
Peach smiled. "That sounds like a good idea, right, Mario? "

Mario shrugged, "I-a don't really give a-" he started, but Peach smacked him in the head.

"Right, Mario?" She repeated fiercely.

Mario rubbed at his head. "That sounds good!" He said, forcing a smile to his lips.

Luigi spoke up. "Hey, you can share my room-we have a spare bed. This is great, I can tell you all about the time I had to save Mario when-" His voice trailed off as Peach, Mario and I fled the room.

So, Dear Diary, that's how I wound up here in the Mushroom Kingdom, and instead of bashing Mario up it is now my job to help get his life back on track. It probably won't be easy, but hey- I don't have anything else planned at the moment. I should stop writing now though: Luigi wants the light out. I swear, if he goes on about that stupid mansion of his again I will smother him with my pillow!

* * *

And that's it! Before I go though, I need to run through a few things. Yes, I know this chapter wasn't as funny as the last one, but let's face it: I had to have some sort of plot going here. I hope you guys still enjoyed it.  
I also like the fact that the main character is less innocent and not as awed by Mario now. 

Also, I want to comment on something from the first chapter. In it, the main character comments about a woman, saying something like "She didn't recognise Mario, maybe because she's a girl and girl's don't play video games!"  
I haven't gotten any complaints about this yet, but just in case, I want it to be clear that the main character, being 13 years-old, probably only knows males that play games. I just wanted to make a joke about his ignorance, and the fact that many young males probably don't think any girls play games! Which is just not true.  
Oh, and the objects in Mario's house like his couch and stuff wereborrowed from the game Mario Party 4. So I did my research. :p

Also, I thought it would be funny to see what the characters in the story think of the story, so I wrote some fake "reviews" here:

1)"It sucked meatballs!"-Luigi"

2) "I thought it was kind of sad! Mario having a mid-life crisis? Poor thing!"-Peach.

3) "Luigi's Mansion was better then this crap!"-Luigi

4) "You-a made half of it up! I didn't do anything! Nothing-a!"-Mario

5) "They forgot to come back to their guests! We had to cut and eat the cake all by ourselves!"-some random Koopa that was at the party.

6) "I ate some of Mario's pasta and Mario came back and saw me eating it and got really mad and started chasing me around so I had to throw the pasta at him and jump out a window!"-Little Toad.

7) "The only good part was when yours truly broke down Mario's door! Now I can wave to Mario from my room, and he can see me! He always makes rude hand gestures though..."-Luigi

Of course, real reviews are always better! Please leave a review if you've read this far, even if you hated it. I also want to thank those few people who have already left reviews; it inspired me enough to get on with writing the second chapter!


	3. Skit: Mario's Romantic Dinner

Author's note: My Zelda story is going along really well, but I thought I'd take a break from it so I can add a chapter to my lesser-read and frankly less popular Mario fic, as I still have a lot of ideas for it.

Mario: It's-a meee! Screw that fairy boy Link, everyone knows I'm more popular!

Author: Mario? You can't just barge in here and start insulting another game character! And so what if my other fan fiction has gotten more praise and higher reviews...I'm sure people still like you as well!

Mario: Momma mia, damn right! And people-a only like the other story because-a you gave Link a romantic interest! He a pansy bitch! And what about me? I only get four reviews! FOUR! What, people no like-a Mario anymore? Do I smell or something? I'm suicidal people, do you want Mario to DIE?

Author: Okay, Mario? You're drunk. And yeah, I guess people do like the romance in my other story, but is that so bad? I think it's nice.

Mario: I'm not drunk! Luigi and Link, _they _both drunk! They're in this together, I know! I'll kick Link in the balls!

Author: Ugh. I'm really sorry everyone, I was all ready to write the new chapter. Let me just get Mario out of here and I'll-

Mario: What about poor Mario? 12 reviews! Link's story has been up for like-a three days and it's on 12 reviews! Give poor Mario the chance to show everyone he can be-a romantic too!

Author: Oh jeez. Look, even I gave you the chance, you and Peach are not exactly an item at the moment, remember?

Mario: It no matter! Mario got a different gal for a date! Watch Mario get all lovey-dovey! I even got a romantic dinner all set up!

Author: sigh I'm going to regret this, I just know it. Okay, take it away then; show us your softer side.

Mario: Yes! Heeeere I gooooo!

* * *

Mario Skit: Mario's Romantic Dinner (written by Mario):

The moon, she rise in the sky like a pizza pie, full and bright. The stars, they are out scattered across the sky like...like anchovies in a pizza. **Author (me): Enough with the pizza analogies already! **

Outside my house, I, Mario, am putting the finishing touches to a table I have set up on the lawn, which has candles, flowers, wine, and two bowls of lovely steaming pasta on it!

**Author: Wow, how original.**

The table is set up on the lawn under the stars, and near-by I have a hired band of Toads playing soft, romantic music. I am wearing my best tuxedo, and my heart is pounding as I wait for my lovely date. I am only slightly drunk.

"Good luck for tonight, Mario!" The conductor turns and says to me with a wink.  
"Shut-a your face and keep playing!" I yell at him.

I look into my window at the clock inside my house. My date is late! I start to get nervous: if the pasta goes cold I will have to eat it chilled!

"Where-a is she?" I ask myself, the cold wind brushing up against my skin like a plate of pasta.

**Author: Okay, what the fuck?**

I am about to eat the pasta, and then I hear the sound of grass being trampled as someone walks up behind me. I spin around, and there, standing lovely in the moon-light, is my date.

She has short, blonde hair, nice brown eyes, a lovely grin, and is wearing a tight-fitting shirt with a mini-skirt.

My eyes bulge out. Momma Mia! What a stunner! This blind date was a great idea!

My date giggles at me and waves. "Hello, Mario," she says in a husky voice. "Sorry I'm late, I was powdering myself."

"That-a okay!" I say cheerfully. "Come sit down and we shall eat the meal I made!"

I lead my date to the table and sit her down. She giggles her thanks. I move to my own chair and sit down as well.

"Here's to us!" I say, picking up my glass of wine for a toast. "Um...what-a your name?"

"Monika," my date giggles, brushing her blonde hair out of her eyes. She has pretty broad shoulders, I notice. I like that in my women!

"To us, Monika!" I say, and we both take a drink of wine.

We start eating the pasta-the yummy, delicious pasta. Monika has her plate cleared in thirty seconds, and then she belches loudly, making the table wobble and the band stop playing, staring with open-mouths at my date.

"Keep-a playing, I not paying you for nothing!" I roar, and the music starts up again quickly.

I look back at my date with dreamy eyes. She obviously loves pasta, or else she would not have eaten it so fast. I think I'm in love! Wait until I tell my brother Luigi...that bitch!

I finish my own pasta quickly, and yelled for one of my waiters, another Toad, to take the plates and bring out dessert.

"That was so nice!" My date says, giggling shyly.

I think to myself that she might act all shy, but maybe I get some action later tonight anyway! I'm so romantic.

Everything was going well-the dessert was brought out, which was chocolate cake, and we had started eating again, when something happened to the music.

The peaceful music that had been playing was suddenly interrupted when an over-eager young Toad with an electric guitar thought that he would suddenly start playing wildly, performing his own song.

He ran forward and grabbed at a microphone.  
"Wild thing!" He sang, strumming his guitar frantically. "You make my heart sing! You make everything grooooovy, wild-OW!"

I had thrown my wine glass at the Toad's head, where it connected and took out the little idiot, sending him falling backwards to the grass.

"Someone-a take that guitar off him!" I shouted, and some of the Toad's more helpful friends led him away to lie down somewhere.

"Where-a were we?" I said, returning to my date.

"We were about to kiss!" Giggled my date, and I stared at her in shock.

"What? We were?" I said. "Oh boy!"

I jumped up and ran around the table excitedly. This was my big chance to be extra romantic! Link hasn't kissed his girl, and I am going to beat him! Aha!

I grabbed my date, looking into her eyes and waggling my eyebrows at her. My mustache quivered expectantly, and I leaned forward, puckering my lips up.

"Oh Mario, kiss me you fool!" My date cried, and our lips locked together.  
Inside our mouths, our tongues said "hello", wrestling together playfully.

I pulled away, my cheeks red, my mustache dancing with excitement on my face. The kiss had been very nice, but a bit wetter then I would have imagined! Oh well.

I pumped my fist into the air in triumph. Yes! How romantic was I? I was sure to get all the reviews now, and Link would be left alone! Hahaha!  
I titled my head back and laughed triumphantly, and then winced as the sound of an electric guitar erupted behind me.  
It was that fool of a young Toad, running back from his stretcher his friends had set up for him with his electric guitar in one hand, somehow playing it even though it wasn't plugged into anything.

"Are you ready to rock?" He screamed into a cordless microphone.

Fire erupted in my eyes.

"FUCK-A OFF!" I screamed, and threw a fire-ball at him in my anger. The toad screamed in horror and swung his guitar around, knocking the fireball right back at me!

"HOLY FLAMING MEAT-BALLS!" I yelled, and dived out of the way just in time.

I watched in slow-motion as the fireball flew past me and landed right in the middle of my table! Some wine that was still left in a bottle made the table go up in flames in a second, engulfing the chairs along with it.  
"Noooooo!" I cried, falling to my knees. "The one true love of my life!"

I glared at the Toad, who smartly took off around the corner of my house with a yelp.

I punched at the ground with my fists. "Why? Why!" I sobbed. Behind me, I noticed that all the Toads were quietly slinking away.

I sniffed, and then looked up at the stars. Oh well. I had a romance, that was all that mattered! And, because I lost my true love, it will make everyone feel sorry for me and love me again!

"Go Mariooo!" I cried.

There was a clattering sound from inside my house, and I looked up through the window leading to my kitchen. My heart leapt-someone was inside! Could it be...could she have left the table before the fireball hit?

I ran as fast as I could through my front door, and skidded into the kitchen.

And there, standing in front of the fridge and sorting through all my food, was Monika!

"Oh-a thank goodness!" I cried, walking up to her with out-stretched arms. "Mario thought you were dead!"

Monika turned to me, her cheeks full with food, and her face smeared with jelly and other condiments.

"Mario, fank foodness your alive aff well!" My date said, her words coming out garbled thanks to her full mouth.

I hugged at her, and she put one hand behind my back and used the other one to keep shoveling food into her mouth.

She must have been using all the food to help her cope with the shock of almost losing me, I thought. What a lovely girlfriend she was!

"Let's move into the living room!" I suggested, and we both walked over and sat down on my couch.

"So..."I said bashfully, while my date stuck her big toe in her ear and wiggled it around. "Do you like me?"

"Um, yes, of course I like you, Mario! You silly goose!" My date laughed, and slapped me on my back so hard I went flying across the room and into one of my prized vases, which shattered onto the floor.

Shakily I returned to the couch. "That's some arm you got there!" I said. What a perfect woman, she would even be able to cook dinner for me and clean my house, with those muscles!

Sure, Link had Malon, who was good with farm-work, but my girlfriend could beat her to a pulp. What a catch!

Just then, Luigi had to come out and stick his big ugly nose around the corner.  
"How's your date going, Mario?" He asked. For some reason he was laughing quite a bit. Probably to hide the fact that he felt so jealous!

My date also laughed and shrieked, as if some private joke was going on between them.  
I flashed Luigi a meaningful look. "It was-a going well before you butted in!" I said. "Scram!"

Luigi disappeared down the hallway, and I could hear he was still cracking up. He must-a be on drugs!

"Mario," my date cooed, tickling me under the chin with a large hand. "I happened to speak to Luigi before our blind date...to get tips on, um, how to please you in bed...and Luigi mentioned that you got a lot of bananas in storage?"

I nodded. "I do! I have to hide them in my cellar so that stupid ape Donkey Kong doesn't get to them! He-a has eaten all of the other bananas in town!"  
My date laughed. "Well, I love bananas, so I was wondering if I could have some...um, or all of them?" She asked.

"Hmm," I said. "I suppose you can take them. Just don't let that fucking monkey get at them!"

I went down to the cellar and returned with a huge bunch of bananas.  
"Here you go!" I said. Now, I would be sure to get some action, I knew.

Monika grabbed the bananas eagerly, making excited ooking noises. I guess she was so happy she couldn't speak properly!

"Thank you so much, Mario!" She cried, standing up. "Oh, look at the time. I have to go home now!"  
My mouth fell open. "But what about some sex?" I cried.

She glared at me and punched me in my face. I guess she did that because she was such a modest girl!

"Um, sorry about that," she apologized. "No, I'm washing someone else's' hair tonight, so I must go now."

Defeated, I led her to the door and opened it for her. Outside, in the bushes, I heard the sound of someone playing an electric guitar, and resolved to lay some smack down on a certain Toad as soon as my date left.

"What about tomorrow night?" I asked hopefully.  
"Yes, sure, whatever," said my date, and at that moment her blonde hair slipped off her head and fell to the floor.  
"Eek!" My date cried in alarm.

I blinked, looking down at the wig, and then back up at my date, who was grinning nervously from ear-to-ear.

"Wait a minute..." I said, stroking my chin. "I know what's going on here!"  
"Mario, I can explain-" Monika started, but I shushed her.

"You wore a wig tonight, because you heard I like women with blonde hair, like Peach!" I exclaimed, wagging a finger under her nose."

"But you no fool Mario! I can see now that you're really a brunette!" I said. "And that's okay!"

Monika gaped at me. "YOU STUPID LITTLE...I mean," she said, coughing. "Thank goodness for that! Well, Mario, I got to go, so see you!"  
She gave me one last hug- I only reached up to her chest, but that didn't matter. We could work around that!

And then she left. I collapsed onto my couch with a sigh and a smile on my face. I had done it. I had proved that I was just as romantic as Link any day! Tomorrow I would see Monika again and we would...

Author: Okay, this has gone on for long enough. Mario, your date...how can I put this...you didn't notice anything _odd _about her, did you?

Mario: Of course not. Monika, she is an angel! We in love!

Author:...Mario, "Monika" was just Donkey Kong dressed up in women's clothing and wearing a wig!

Mario: You crazy. I'll show that tight-wearing fairy boy who's who now! He'll be so jealous!

Author: You dumb shit! Think about it: her hairy arms, her flexibility, the way she ate EVERYTHING in your house, the fact she was towering over you!

Mario: Hey, just because she has extra hair and is a little tall doesn't mean you should make fun of her!

Author: Argh! Mario, she made you give her all the bananas in your house. And you said that Luigi was sniggering at you weirdly. He must have heard about your blind date and set all of this up, bribing Donkey Kong with the promise of bananas!

Mario:...No...that's-a too crazy...Monika is...is...

Author: Now I think about it, "Monika" even has the letters "m, o, n" and "k" in it. For "Monk", as in "Monkey". As in Donkey Kong. As in...

Mario: As in I kissed a fucking ape! No! No!

Author: I thought you would have noticed that it was Donkey Kong! I was waiting for some kind of twist or something...ugh! You tongue-wrestled with Donkey Kong!

Mario: "throwing up noise"

Author: See, this is what happens when you get jealous of other people and try to out-do them. Karma gets you! Ugh! Imagine Monika's breath! I feel really sick.

Mario: "throwing up noise intensifies"

Author: Oh, I see you're too busy to comment. Well people, sorry for letting Mario hi-jack this chapter. See you all next time for the proper chapter!

Mario: Momma Mia, I found a hair-ball in my throat! Luiiiigiiiiii!

* * *

**My god, this was crazy. I apologize to those people who will find this a bit _too_ nuts for their liking. This is a stand-alone skit for my Mario story, and obviously I'm making fun of my other Link story's popularity.  
I started out with the idea of writing what would happen when Mario saw how un-popular he was, and it developed from there.  
I didn't actually mean for it to be so long, but saw that there was some good potential for comedy, so I made it into a chapter-length skit.**

**Hope you enjoyed it. Leave a review if you found it funny! Or hey, leave a review in Link's defence. Mario's being pretty nasty here. ;)**


	4. Chapter 3: Mario's Therapy Begins

**The proper third chapter to my Mario story.** **All characters are copyright Nintendo, except for Todd, I guess. :)**

* * *

Chapter 3: Mario's Therapy Begins

Dear Diary...I had the worst sleep last night!

Picture Luigi in your mind. Go on. He's a little skinny guy, right?

Then tell me _why _the bastard snores like a typhoon sucking up millions of vacuum cleaners!

For half of the night I lay there listening to the cacophony- I had a single mattress on the floor, right next to Luigi's bed, which was off the floor.

Luigi's room is also very...green. He has dumbells and weights scattered about the place, a small desk, and one window that looks out to a tall tree.

Luigi's hand slipped off his bed and slapped me in my face.

"Ow!" I cursed. "You little shit!"

I slapped his hand away angrily, and Luigi half-wakened, sitting up groggily in his bed, mumbling "Mansion! My Mansion!", and then falling back asleep again and resuming his snoring.

I groaned, and then things suddenly got worse: Mario must have fallen asleep.

The reason I knew this was because a second, deeper snoring joined Luigi's, coming from Mario's room.

The walls were shaking slightly, so I sat up in the bed in alarm. I clutched at my head, moaning.

It was like some sort of...brotherly call of the wild or something! Mario would snore, and then Luigi would respond with his snores...they were communicating somehow, I could swear it!

"Snooooorrrk," Mario would say.

"Snufflewheee!" Luigi would respond.

"Scrooooonkle!" Mario would argue, and then Luigi would reply with a "Geeeneeeeek!"  
Then they would both laugh together, a weird "Wewewe" sound.

I shoved the pillow over my head and sobbed quietly.

Needless to say, I did not get much sleep.

In the morning, I stumbled out of bed and shuffled out to the living room like a zombie.

"Take a seat!" Luigi said cheerfully, pulling out a chair for me to sit on at a round table in the kitchen.  
I glared at him and sat at the table, giving myself a mental note to get a hold of some ear-plugs.

Apart from Luigi, Mario sat at the table opposite me, and next to him sat Toad-_the _Toad, who I had not seen yet.  
I nodded my hello, and he yelped and dived under the table.

"Don't-a worry about him, he just shy!" Luigi told me, placing a bowl in front of me and offering a box of cereal.

I glanced at the label on the cereal-"Toady-ohs", and burst out laughing.

Mario glared at me over his own bowl of cereal.

"You-a think that funny? At least we don't have something called-a Captain Crunch!" He shot at me.

I shrugged, thinking that he had me there, and poured the cereal into my bowl.

All the individual pieces of the cereal _were _actually in the shape of Toads, smiling and waving up at me.

"Hey!" I roared in alarm, and picked up one of the pieces. "This one's giving me the finger!"

Luigi snatched the cereal piece out of my hand excitedly. "Ooh, I haven't got this one yet!" He said, putting it in his pocket.

"You...collect cereal pieces." I said in disbelief.

He nodded proudly. "Got the second-best collection in the Mushroom Kingdom!"

Mario snorted. "What-a crap hobby...but the worst thing is-a that you still are-a only number two!"

Luigi gaped at him. "You-a take that back!" He cried, and the brothers began scuffling on the floor.  
I ignored them and poured milk onto my cereal calmly.

Toad emerged cautiously from under the table, and gave me a wary look.

Without taking his eyes off of me, he slowly reached out a hand for the spoon in his cereal bowl. I coughed, and he flinched, retreating half-under the table again.

Now, I am not normally that mean a person, but when I saw Toad cautiously reach out again to grab his spoon, I couldn't help myself.

"Ooooga Boooga!" I roared at him, causing him to jump and slam down his hand on the spoon accidentally, catapulting a clump of cereal and milk into his face, and sending him falling backwards to the floor.

I howled with laughter, and the Mario Brothers stopped fighting and returned to the table curiously.

"I'm really sorry," I choked, wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. "I had to do that...sorry Toad!"

"You're a bad person!" I heard Toad whimper from under the table. A hand came up, grabbed the bowl of cereal and the spoon, and disappeared back under the table-cloth.

Mario and Luigi laughed.

"Don't worry, we all do that now and then," Luigi said. "The poor guy's got some paranoia issues to deal with. You can't really blame him though, after all the times Bowser has kidnaped him."

"Bowser can suck my little mushrooms!" Toad squeaked from under the table.

I looked over at Mario when I noticed he was adding something to his bowl of cereal, and automatically wished I hadn't-he was busy scooping strands of cold pasta into the milk.

I felt like hurling.

"Oh, Todd. Peach left you a note on the fridge," Luigi said.

I went over to Mario's fridge. "What, did she go back to her castle?" I asked over my shoulder.  
"Yes, last night."

There was a pink note held onto the fridge with a magnet, a strong perfume scent coming from it. I took it off the fridge and read it:

Dear Todd,

I am sorry that I cannot be there to help out with Mario, but I have much to do around the castle. So it's up to you to keep an eye on Mario-don't let him out of your sight! I have told Luigi the same thing, so between the two of you you should be able to keep Mario from doing anything...silly.

Today, for your first adventure, you should go shopping to the corner store with Mario, as the fridge needs to be re-stocked. Have fun!

I stared at the note. Go _shopping? _That was my first _adventure? _If I wanted to go shopping I could have stayed in the real world!

I sighed, thinking that I had agreed to help out, after all, so I might as well do as I'm told.

I turned to Luigi and Mario and waved the note. "Looks like we're going shopping."  
Mario scowled, but Luigi looked excited.

"Oh boy, an adventure!" He shouted, jumping up from the table. "I better go and get my coin purse!" He declared, and scampered off to his bedroom.

Mario and I exchanged a look.

"Is he always this excited about everything?" I asked dryly.

Mario sighed. "He-a must be adopted, I swear!"

Toad came up from under the table with his bowl, now empty.

"Did I hear you guys are going to the shop?" He asked shyly. "Because if you are, I want to come along as well."

He walked up to Mario and I heard him whisper "_I need to buy some more mace!". _

Luigi came back into the room and tossed Mario a coin purse. "Here, I got yours, too! Now we're all set!"

"Um, how are we going to get to where we're going?" I asked.

Mario snorted and gave me a look. "Mario Kart, of course!"

My heart leapt. "You mean you guys actually drive around those things normally?"

"Why wouldn't we?" Luigi said, opening the front door. "Nintendo gave us those karts so we could race each other, but afterwards we figured they'd be useful for getting around in as well!"

The four of us headed outside the door, and I noticed that Mario didn't even bother locking the door after him.

No wonder Bowser managed to kidnap people so much, I thought. All he had to do was wait in Mario's living room until someone returned, and then just snatch them then and there. He could even have a nice tea while he waited.

Toad was on edge, jerking his head around this way and that, as if he expected a team of ninjas to swoop out of the trees and attack him at any moment.

"The karts are around the back," Luigi said, and I practically sprinted around the corner of the house, skidding to a stop before the two karts which were just sitting out on the grass in the open.

They were huge! There was enough room for someone to sit in the seat and drive, while a second person could stand on the kart behind the driver and just enjoy the ride. Both karts looked pretty similar, except for the fact that one was green while the other was red, along with some other small differences.

The others joined me, and Toad eyed me suspiciously.

"I'm not going on the same kart as him!" He squeaked, his eyes narrowing. "I don't trust him!"

"He okay," Luigi said. "But you can go on Mario's kart if you're going to be difficult."

Toad jumped on the back of Mario's kart and gave me the finger.

I gaped-that was the second time today already that I had been flipped off by a Toad!

"I guess I'm with you, then," I said, as Luigi walked over to his green kart. "I get to drive!" I added hopefully.

Luigi clutched the keys to his chest protectively. "No way!" He exclaimed. "Only _this _daddy-oh gets to drive his pimped-up vehicle!"  
I raised an eyebrow- I couldn't see anything particularly "pimped-up" about his kart, but I shrugged and conceded. "Fine then," I said, and muttered "cry-baby" to myself softly.

I hopped onto the back of Luigi's kart, actually trembling with excitement. This was going to be so cool!

Mario climbed into his kart, and both he and Luigi started the engines.

"Feel that traction!" I said to myself, the car making my body vibrate.

"Here we goooooo!" Mario shouted.

"Yes! Go!" I said, pumping my fist into the air.

And we were off! Speeding across the grass and onto a simple road, flying along at...about the speed of an old granny in an electric wheel-chair.

I lowered my fist and looked around. I had seen golf-buggies move faster then we were!

Angrily, I kicked the back of Luigi's chair. "Oi, Luigi! Step on it, will ya?" I said.

Luigi chuckled and glanced back at me. "What, and get a ticket?"  
"This is the Mushroom Kingdom!" I snarled. "You don't get tickets!"

"Well, we do now," Luigi replied. "Ever since Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong plowed their kart straight into a nursing home!"

I couldn't believe it. "So because of the fact that Donkey Kong has no opposable thumbs and can't drive for shit, we all suffer?"  
"Yep."

Luigi laughed suddenly. "That reminds me of a funny story! The other day, before you came, I got Donkey Kong to dress up as a woman and go out on a blind date with Mario, and-"

Suddenly Mario swerved his kart and slammed into the side of ours, bumping us off the road momentarily.

"Luigi! I kill you!" Mario screamed, growing red in the face. On the back of Mario's kart, Toad was still watching me carefully, his face set in a suspicious look.

"Okay, okay, sorry," Luigi mumbled, getting back on the road.

He whispered back to me, "he only figure out it was Donkey Kong a while ago, so he still a bit upset!"

I nodded, wondering what the story was with Donkey Kong cross-dressing. I found it a bit hard to picture.

The scenery rolled by, and after ten minutes of driving we reached a corner where there was a huge house set up in the shape of a mushroom. A sign outside read "Toad Corner Store-one of a thousand Toad stores in the Mushroom Kingdom!"

Luigi pulled the kart to a stop next to Mario's, and I stepped off, gazing cynically at the store.

"Why is it that Toad's always have houses shaped like mushrooms?" I pondered. "I mean, wouldn't that be like a human living in a human-shaped house?"

Toad glared at me nastily, and then ran up the stairs of the shop and inside, yelling "I need mace, quickly!"

I winced, wondering if Toad was angry with me because I had scared him at breakfast.

Luigi, Mario and I entered the shop, and I glanced around curiously. It looked kind of like a regular store; aisles of food and items, a fan high ahead swinging slowly, fridges for cold stuff, and a counter. Behind the counter sat a Toad that looked like every other Toad I had seen, smiling politely.

"Mario!" He said in greeting. "It's good to see you today!"  
Mario mumbled something that sounded a lot like "fuck off" to me, and went to explore one of the aisles.

I wandered off, gazing curiously at some of the items on the shelves. I spotted a Mega-mushroom, with a warning label that read "Warning! Ingest only-do not attempt to put down pants. It will not work!"

I clapped a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing, and moved further down the aisle.

I noticed that a fridge to the side was filled with nothing but pasta, and a sign hung outside the door stating "Reserved for Mario only! Not for sale...if taken, Mario will track you down and get the pasta back one way or another!"

Mario was at the door, loading box after box of frozen pasta into his arms.

"Um, I'm not sure what you usually get," I said to him. "Should I buy some milk or something?"

Mario growled and continued grabbing pasta, so I took that to mean that he didn't care.

Shrugging, I went around the store until I found some milk, eggs, juice, fruit, and some chips for me to snack on.

After I had loaded all the items on the counter, I went back and passed Toad, who was in the "protection" aisle and was examining the assortment of mace.

When he saw me he quickly grabbed a bottle of mace, and held it out warningly.

"Look," I said, "I really don't mean you any harm. I'm only here to help Mario out a bit, that's all!"

"Liar!" He hissed, brandishing the mace wildly. "You work for Bowser, I can smell it!"

Frustrated, I decided to leave him alone, and walked over to Luigi, who was in the magazine aisle, thumbing through one of them.

"Hey," I said, and he jumped and dropped the magazine he had been reading.

I looked down at it, and read "Mushroom on mushroom action" aloud.

Luigi looked sheepish. "I really don't swing that way!" He said quickly, scooping up the magazine and putting it back on the shelf. "I was just curious!"

"Well, when the other magazines are titled things like 'Monkeys gone Wild' and 'Randy Goombas Monthly', I can't say I blame you too much," I mused, looking at the magazines.

Toad ran outside the shop, calling "I'm waiting outside!" over his shoulder.

"I have an eye-protector you can use for when you sleep," Luigi whispered conspiratorially to me. "Toad can get carried away with the mace sometimes."  
I gulped, and then looked around the shop for Mario.

"Where's your brother?" I asked, puzzled.

"I dunno...maybe he-" Luigi began, but was interrupted by the sound of a kart starting up outside.

"Oh shit!" He exclaimed, and we both ran to the door and looked out just in time to see Mario speeding away in his kart, with Toad hanging onto the back for dear life and screaming at him to stop, or he'll be forced to use his mace.

"He's getting away!" Luigi shouted.

Before we could run out of the shop to pursue Mario, the Toad shop-keeper ran up behind us frantically.  
"Not so fast!" He panted. "Mario told me that you guys would pay for all the pasta he took with him, and you still have all that other stuff to pay for!"

Luigi and I both groaned. "How much money do we owe?" I asked.

The Toad had the amount ready: "One hundred and twenty coins all up," he said, grinning.

Luigi swayed on the spot. "Momma Mia! How much-a pasta did that bitch take?" He roared, digging through his coin purse.  
"Just take it all!" He said, throwing the purse at the Toad, who beamed and caught it happily.

I grabbed the shopping and we both ran outside to the kart, Luigi sliding into the driver's seat while I jumped on the back.

"Don't worry, Mario!" Luigi cried, revving the kart forward. "I'll save you!"

"But he's not in danger or any-" I started, but the speed of the kart took away my last words.

_This is more like it! _I thought, as we zoomed down the road.

We had only gone a little way before I heard the sound of another engine coming up behind us, and I turned around in my seat to see the Toad from the store coming up fast, driving his own little kart and shaking his fist at us.

"What do you think he wants?" I yelled at Luigi, indicating the kart.

"Probably his money, I'd guess!" Luigi said.

"But you gave him all your money!" I replied, confused.

"Yes, but there must have been around five coins in that purse!" Luigi laughed, and sped up.

I groaned. Well, this was just great. It was only my first day of trying to get Mario better, and already both him and Luigi had stolen from a shop. Not only that, but Mario was on the loose, doing god knows what, and we had an angry little shop keeper after us!

I held on grimly to the back of the kart, and hoped that we would be able to get Mario back soon-or Peach will kill me!

* * *

**Hehe, this chapter is a personal fave of mine.  
If there really was a cereal called "Toady-ohs" I would so buy it. :p  
And for some reason the thought of D.K losing control of his kart and crashing into an old folk's home makes me laugh.  
Please, if you read this story, leave a review! I like to know what my readers think, and I am beginning to think that calling the story "My Adventure with Mario" might have been a mistake, because it sounds too kiddy and might prevent people from reading it!  
Also, a lot of times when people see stories that have low reviews they will assume they suck and will not read. And I don't think this story sucks that much, so by leaving a review you're not only helping me with the story, but you might make others take notice!**


	5. Chapter 4: Catch that plumber!

**After a two week break, chapter 4 of My Adventure with Mario is finally released, to the sound of chirping crickets!**  


* * *

Chapter 4: Catch that plumber!

I could still see Mario up ahead in the road on his kart, but he was steadily pulling away from us, no matter how fast we drove. I could also just glimpse Toad on the back of Mario's kart waving his arms at us wildly, shrieking in his high-pitched voice that he didn't want to die.

"Can't we go any faster?" I asked Luigi, worriedly.

Behind us, even the shopkeeper was gaining on us bit by bit, and now I could hear his ranting words faintly: "...stealing from a poor, defenseless Toad, I have kids to feed, you know! And my poor wife is at home trying to cook dinner, and crying because her husband is late, while my neighbor, the bastard, will probably try and comfort her-"

I tried to ignore the frantic toad, as Luigi half turned in his seat and glared at me.  
"I _could _go faster if I didn't have so much _weight _dragging me down!" He said meaningfully.

"Hey!" I protested. "I can't help it if I'm heavier than a toad!"

Suddenly, I glimpsed something ahead of us; a fiery, bouncing object coming down the road that could only be a-  
"Fireball!" Luigi screamed, and swerved wildly to avoid it. It missed us by inches, and I turned around to see it traveling down the read towards the shopkeeper-toad's kart.

"Goodness!" The toad screamed, screeching his kart sideways-apparently he was one of those people who just _didn't _swear, no matter what the situation.

Thankfully, he avoided the fireball, but then he faced forward once more with a determined glare, and continued throwing insults at us.

"Now he's throwing fireballs back at us!" Luigi pointed out unnecessarily.  
"No shit, Sherlock!" I snarled, getting more upset by the minute. I could see that capturing Mario was going to be a hard task.

"Who's Sherlock?" Luigi asked, confused.

"Oh, sorry about that. Um, no shit, Professor Goomba?" I suggested alternatively.

Luigi nodded in understanding.  
"Oh yes. Well, screw you too, then." He said.

Up ahead, I suddenly noticed that buildings had began to spring up along the sides of the road, and soon enough we had entered what looked to be a small city, with traffic lights and large crowds appearing.

"Um...this is bad." I said.

"No shit, Sherlock," Luigi snarled nastily, trying out the new saying. "It looks like Mario's heading into the busy part of the city, too!"

Behind us, the shopkeeper suddenly roared around a corner and was soon driving only a few meters away.

"...my grandpappy built that shop with his bare hands, too! You're robbing from my entire family!" The shopkeeper squealed, and I groaned.

"Just...don't stop for any traffic lights, okay?" I told Luigi.

* * *

Mario was almost out of range now, and I could barely make him out up ahead speeding madly through the traffic lights and somehow managing not to hit anyone. 

"We need to go faster, or we might as well just give up now!" I told Luigi.

"Yeah, but we can't-a! Not unless we find-aha!" He exclaimed, and to my horror he suddenly drove the kart up to the sidewalk and headed straight for an old mushroom lady slowly wheeling a shopping cart along the pavement.

"Noooo!" I cried, at the same time thinking _why is it always old ladies?_

"Run for your life, grandma!" I screamed as we hurtled towards her. "He's gone mad, just like his older brother!"

The old mushroom lady turned slowly, finally noticing the danger, and her eyes boggled at the sight of the incoming kart, driven by a mad Italian.

"I say!" Screamed the shopkeeper-toad, who had driven up the pavement behind us. "Look out!"

"Mercy me!" Cried the old woman, because apparently _all _old ladies speak the same, even if they're walking mushrooms. In slow motion, she let go of her trolley and leapt sideways through the air impressively, twisting and spinning.

With a cry of triumph Luigi rammed the kart right through the trolley, ripping it apart and sending the groceries flying in all directions. A can of pet food hit me square in the forehead.

Through my concussion I also saw that there had been a couple of giant mushrooms in the trolley, and as one hit the side of the kart, it was absorbed and vanished, and with a rumble and a sudden tremendous boost the kart shot forward like a rocket on a superhero.

"Yeeeeee-ha!" Luigi cried, and I could only hold on for dear life, as buildings, traffic and cars whooshed past my vision.

I managed to turn my head around, against the wind suction, and saw to my dismay that the shopkeeper-toad's kart had also hit a mushroom, and was also zooming along behind us in a burst of speed, the poor toad gripping desperately to the steering wheel and screaming "Hoo-daddy! Help! Heeelp! Fiddlestiiiicks!"  
Apparently "fiddlesticks" was the worst naughty word he was allowed to yell, I figured.

I faced forward once more, as Luigi got the kart back in the centre of the road, and to my relief saw that we were zooming up behind Mario's kart. Next minute we had actually drawn up beside Mario, and, with the effect of the mushroom worn off, we slowed back down to our normal speed.

"What took you so long?" Toad screamed at us from the kart. "Make him stop! He's gone crazy!"

"Mario!" I yelled over, as Luigi was busy driving. "Stop the kart! We've caught up with you now...let's talk about this!"

I saw that the red-capped plumber had only one hand on the wheel, and with the other hand he was busy opening the packs of frozen pasta and shoving the mass into his mouth.

_Is...is that even edible? _I thought to myself, frozen in horror.

"You-a can kiss-a my ass!" Mario said. "I'm not going back so you can all-a treat me like a crazy person!"

"Well, this isn't doing much for your case that you're sane!" I yelled, and Mario glared at me.

"You-a can't stop me!" He declared.

"Ah shit," Toad swore.

I suddenly had an idea that would stop Mario. "Toad, use your mace on him!" I cried.

He gave me a look. "Are you _insane? _Would you want to spray mace into the eyes of the driver of _your _car?" He roared in his high-pitched voice.

"Oh. Good point."

Next to our kart, the shopkeeper-toad pulled up, a triumphant look on his face.

"Aha! I've got you now!" He declared. "Time to pay up, one way or another!"

"You don't understand!" Luigi begged, without taking his eyes off the road. "It's not our fault! We had to chase after Mario, who-a has gone crazy!"

"I don't care! I want my money!" The shopkeeper cried.

"Mario, pass the toad your money!" I told the plumber.

In response, Mario picked up a frozen pasta meal and threw it smack into the face of the shopkeeper. His kart swerved, but he managed to stay on the road.

"_Right!" _He roared. "Now I'm mad!"

"Can't we all stop and talk about this?" I pleaded, feeling like a judge in a court case gone wrong.

"Marioooooo!" Mario cried in response, and drove ahead. Toad waved his arms at us frantically.

"Help me! I want to live! Do your job!" He cried at me, as Mario barely avoided hitting a pole.

Mario turned a corner suddenly, and Luigi, not having time to turn, shot passed the intersection.

"Ah crap, now we've lost him." I groaned.

Unfortunately we had not lost the shopkeeper, who pursued us like a loan shark from hell.

"Oh, leave us alone!" I shouted back at him, and then to my surprise yet another kart pulled away from the traffic just behind the shopkeeper-toad's kart and started trailing us as well.

"Who is it now?" Luigi complained, as I squinted at the kart, which was pink, to try and see who the driver was.

"It's just a normal female toad," I revealed to Luigi. "But she looks really mad. I don't recognize her, though."

Apparently the shop-keeper toad recognized her, however, as he turned and took one look at the kart, and his expression turned to one of pure horror.

"Mortimer!" The toad shrieked at him. "What are you doing out here in the city? You're cheating on me, aren't you? Oh, wait until I get my hands on you!"

The shopkeeper-toad turned back to look at me with sweat pouring down the side of his head.

"It's the wife!" He wailed to me. "Oh, for the love of toadmanity, explain to her what's going on! She would not believe it, coming from me!"

But we were still flying along at breakneck speed, so I couldn't picture us slowing down so I could talk to a distressed wife.

"Sorry," I apologized. "We're kind of in a hurry."

"Then please SPEED UP so I can get away from the witch!" He cried, revving the engine desperately.

"Better do as he says," I said to Luigi.

The plumber nodded, and directed the kart over a mushroom that was just lying in the middle of the side-walk. The shop-keeper followed us, his kart so close to ours that they almost touched. His wife was still screaming insults and accusations at him, but then he too hit a mushroom and we both shot around the corner at an insane speed, traveling down the length of the side-street and into the next in the blink of an eye.

Once we had gone far enough and down a number of streets, Luigi parked the kart on the side of the road finally. I was almost shaking from the experience of too much speed and near-misses.

The shopkeeper-toad parked behind us as well, looking relieved and like he had just escaped from the devil himself.

"Oh thank goodness for that," he sighed, wiping at his mushroom-capped head. "I owe you guys one."

"Then stop following us so we can catch Mario," I told him.

He shook his head sadly. "I can't do that. If I return home with no proof of what I was up to, I'm a dead mushroom! I need to collect the coins from you guys...which means I'll have to help you catch Mario, doesn't it?"

Luigi nodded. "Well-a, we don't mind. It'll be easier now without you chasing after us and shouting stuff."

The shopkeeper-toad, Mortimer, looked sheepish. "Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I said some pretty nasty things back there."

_What, "fiddlesticks"? _I thought to myself sarcastically.

"Well, we've lost Mario now anyway," I mumbled. "I can't see how we'll be able to find him."

Luigi looked smug. "Well actually, I can always find him. You see, since we're brothers, and we're so close, I have this...psychic thing going on with Mario. I can sense wherever he is, at any time!"

I stared at him. "What? Really?"

"No," he admitted. "But I can track him with the homing device that's equipped to his kart through this screen here-a", he said, tapping a monitor in the front of the kart.

I smacked him on the back of his head. "Wise-guy! Well okay then, let's hurry."

* * *

We made our way through the city once more at a high-speed, with Mortimer driving alongside us and looking fretful that his wife might appear again at any moment. 

We were still a long-ways off from catching up to Mario when suddenly there was a commotion in the traffic behind us, and a kart sped up the street and towards us.

I immediately saw that it was Donkey Kong's kart- I mean, it's mostly made out of _wood _and _bongos_, so who wouldn't? To my horror, Donkey Kong was also driving the thing, his big mouth stretched wide in a simian grin.

I tapped Luigi on the shoulder as D.K, recognizing Luigi's kart, pulled up alongside us.

Luigi's eyes widened at the sight of the ape and his kart.  
"Donkey Kong! You are-a not supposed to be driving that thing! You're not supposed to be driving _at all!" _He yelled.

Mortimer yelped. "I know you! You're the one who drove that kart into...into the front of the old folk's home!" He said, from slightly behind D.K's kart.

D.K looked offended. "That was accident!" He huffed. "I was distracted by the smell of bananas!"

Mortimer had tears in his eyes. "Yes, all the old people were making banana bread that day! You re-broke most of their bones!"

"Whoops." D.K said, sheepishly. He turned to Luigi. "Anyway, what are you guys up to? Who's the kid on the back? Can I join you guys? I figure I have some time to kill before the authorities take away my kart again- I had to steal it back from under their noses."

I blinked- the ape was talking with such a speed that it didn't give Luigi time to answer any of his questions properly.

Apparently Luigi was used to it, though. "We're chasing Mario down, because he's gone crazy-don't worry, it probably has little to do with that prank you pulled. The kid is Todd, he's here to help Mario with his life, and yes, you can tag along, and stealing is wrong." He said, without taking his eyes off the road.

"Cool, maybe we can find some bananas on the way too!" The ape said jovially.

Luigi rolled his eyes. "Yes. Whatever."

* * *

The monitor had led us-now numbering three karts-right through the city and out the other side, and then down a dusty dirt road, through a pretty spooky forest path, and finally, up to a gigantic, eery looking castle that now loomed right in front of us as we parked our karts and took a look around. 

To my shock and confusion, the sky had suddenly darkened drastically, and now I was looking up at the night sky, complete with stars and a large, full moon.

"Um...why's it night? I mean, it should be day still, unless you guys only get a couple of hours of daylight over here." I commented dryly.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Mortimer explained, staring up at the castle. "That just happens in certain areas around here. Adds to the mood."

"Right. Silly of me to ask, really..."

"Mario's in there?" D.K asked, scratching himself.

"That's what the monitor says." Luigi confirmed.

"Does that monitor also tell you the location of bananas?" D.K asked hopefully.

"I'm not even going to answer that," Luigi snapped. "Anyway, maybe we should just wait here until Mario comes out? Probably a lot safer, and that way we'll get him for sure." He suggested nervously.

"What if there's a back way out?" I said. "And what if he _doesn't _come out. You know, in his current mood..." I let my sentence hang in the air.

"Yes, let's go in," Mortimer said frantically. "I swear, I can hear the squeal of the tires on my wife's kart!"

"Fine then," Luigi ceded, gulping. At his words, lighting tore through the sky followed by the crack of thunder and the girlish shriek of Luigi.

* * *

The castle was _massive, _so huge, in fact, that we decided to drive right through the front entrance in our karts. We entered a large area with stain-glass windows looking down at us from the second floor, a set of massive staircases, and a spacious floor. Only several lanterns here and there were lit, and the place had a deserted, spooky feel to it. 

"Okay, this place is definitely haunted," Luigi said from the driver's seat, nodding his head. "I should know, from the time I inherited this mansion that turned out to be haunted!"

"WE KNOW!" I screamed, and my voice echoed around the room. I clamped a hand over my mouth, as an evil, booming laughter erupted from no-where.

Luigi yelped and dove under the steering-wheel, and D.K, being the _brave _monkey that he is, leapt like a baby into my arms, shrieking and ooking in his fright.

"Get off!" I cried, shoving the monkey back onto his kart. Behind me, Mortimer chuckled.  
"What a couple of pansies!" He mocked.

Luigi emerged out from under the steering wheel, his face red. "I was just, um, looking for the road-map. Ah, here it is," he said lamely, pulling out what was clearly a magazine about collecting cereal pieces.

"This too scary," D.K moaned. "Let's go back!"

"No, we need to find Mario and Toad," I said firmly. Truth be told, I felt a little scared myself, but figured that since we were on our karts, we should be able to just about out-run anything that bumped into us.

"Yes, I need my money!" Mortimer agreed. "Also, I don't want anything to happen to my best customer, of course."

Luigi sighed and drove the kart passed the massive staircases, up some bumpy but small steps, and though another large door into a corridor that stretched ahead of us, ending in a T-section.

Doors lined the hallway, with several lanterns spilling out just enough light so that we could see. Outside, lightning struck once more.

"At least we know he couldn't have gone through those doors, in his kart," I mumbled.

We drove single-file down the hallway, and I was beginning to feel apprehensive. I would much rather be in the driver's seat of the kart, protected by some side buffers, then be hanging onto the back like I was, where I could fall or be plucked off easily, I thought.

We reached the end of the corridor, and Luigi, choosing a direction at random, turned left. We went through a door and into another expansive, Gothic-like room with stone walls and dusty furniture.

Four gaping corridors branched off of the room, and suddenly I realised I could hear a tiny voice in the distance. I strained my ears to hear, and could barely make out:  
"...I don't like this, Mario. I smell ghosts. You know, those dead specter things that only want you to join them in their death? And you know as well as I do that my mace won't work on ghosts, because-OH MY GOD!" The voice, which I recognized as Toad's, rose to a clamber. "THERE'S ONE! OOH, HE HASN'T SEEN US YET! OH SHIT, I'M YELLING THOUGH, SO HE'LL HEAR ME! IT'S TURNING! MARIO, TURN US AROUND! MARIO! ARGH! IT'S COMING FOR US! EAT MACE!"

The voice became incomprehensible after that, turning into screams and yells and curses and then fading away to nothing.  
Luigi turned slowly in his seat and looked at me with wide eyes and a quivering mustache. Beside us, D.K was gnawing on the wheel of his kart in fear.

"There _are _ghosts in here!" Luigi whispered, his voice shaking. "Oh help, they'll come for us, too!"

"Stop it! That kind of talk isn't helping!" I snapped, trying to calm my own fear. "Besides, you've dealt with ghosts before, in Luigi's Mansion." I nudged him in the ribs, trying to use the game to make him feel braver. "Remember? You showed those ghosts a thing or two!"

Luigi's lip shook, and he gulped. "There's one huge difference between that game and now."  
"Oh? What's that?" I asked.  
"I DON'T HAVE MY VACUUM-CLEANER!" He shouted wildly, and slammed his foot down on the accelerator, steering the kart randomly down a passageway. "Let me out of here!" He cried.

"Luigi!" I roared, clinging on to the kart. "You coward, slow down!"

Behind me, D.K and Mortimer gave chase, not wanting to be left behind and alone.

We flew down the passageway and into another room, where to my surprise we bumped into Mario and Toad, who were coming from another direction. We fell in behind his kart, still speeding along, as Toad, yelling wildly and with his eyes squeezed shut, squirted his bottle of mace frantically in every direction.

"Argh! My eyes!" Luigi screamed, as the mace hit him in the face.

"Stay away!" Toad screamed, unaware of what was going on.

"Keep driving forward!" I directed Luigi, and behind me a roar erupted from somewhere in the house. I spun around, looking past D.K and Mortimer's karts, and saw a bloated, huge Boo enter the room behind us, its eyes red and its teeth gnashing horribly.

"Faster!" I screamed, as the Boo cackled and gave chase. I didn't know what would happen if the Boo got hold of us, but I also knew I didn't want to stick around to find out.

"This isn't worth the coins!" Mortimer wailed, who was bringing up the rear and was therefore in the most danger. D.K was jumping up and down in his kart in pure fear as some monkeys do, barely keeping his foot on the accelerator.

"Left!" I yelled at Luigi, as I saw Mario's kart enter another hallway. Luigi spun the wheel blindly, and thankfully we made the turn.

Up ahead, I could see that the hallway suddenly ended abruptly, as if it ran out of floor.

"Here we goooo!" Mario shouted, and suddenly our kart was air-born behind Mario's, and to my alarm I looked down and saw that we were out of the castle, but flying through the air towards a grassy patch of land.

"Momma mia!"  
"SHIT!"

"Ook ook eek eek!"

"Oh poop."

We landed, all of the karts coming together in a heap, and then suddenly the ground dropped away, for the grassy area was actually a hill, and we were once again sliding out of control downwards.

"I hate you, Mario!" Luigi screamed, as we tore down the hill. The hill was too huge to be a proper hill, in my opinion, as thirty seconds later we finally hit the bottom, which was in the middle of a busy and congested free-way.

Mario, sensing yet another opportunity to escape, sped away almost at once, and Luigi and I, D.K and Mortimer gave chase.

We had gone down the freeway for only about a minute when I heard Mortimer yell, "Oh help! Drive! DRIVE, IF YOU VALUE YOUR SOULS!"

I spun around. "What, is the giant Boo still after us?" I yelled at him.

He shook his head and jabbed a thumb behind his shoulder, where a pink kart was in pursuit. "It's my wife!" He sobbed. "I _knew _I wouldn't be able to escape her for long!"

D.K took a look over his shoulder and yelped in surprise. "It's the Mushroom police!" He cried, and sure enough two red and white colored vehicles that were shaped like mushrooms were also in pursuit.

"I can't let them take my kart away again!" D.K sobbed.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" I exploded. "This car chase is getting ridiculous!"

The freeway ended, and we traveled down a main street and onto a plain path across some grass, still after Mario. Behind me, I could hear the insults coming from Mortimer's wife, his own sobbing, the alarm of the Mushroom police's cars and D.K's frenzied monkey-talk.

Suddenly, I saw that Mario had suddenly brought his kart to a halt in the middle of the grass, beside a tall tree. Luigi, however, who at that moment had turned around to see just who exactly was chasing us, did not.  
"Look out!" I cried, pointing. Toad had turned around in the back of Mario's kart and just had enough time to look surprised and alarmed as Luigi crashed the kart into the back of Mario's.

I don't remember much of the accident. I was thrown out of the kart, and landed in a heap, and then D.K crashed his kart into the pile, followed by Mortimer's kart, followed by his wife's, and then summed up with the two Mushroom police cars.

After the crunch of metal and other materials faded away, I groggily tried to get up only to realize that I had toads, an ape, the Mario brothers, several karts and two cars lying on top of me and around me.

"So much...pain..." I gasped.

After a minute or two I struggled out of the wreckage, trying to ignore the groans and cursing coming from it, and blinked groggily at my surroundings. There was an oddly familiar castle right in front of us, one which I was sure I had seen somewhere before.

_Oh no. No...NO! _I cried in my mind, as I recognized Peach's castle. The whole shebang had happened right in front of it.

"Quick, everyone get up!" I yelled hopelessly. "Hurry, before she sees all this!"

But it was too late. The huge, double doors creaked open, and I looked up in dread to see Princess Peach standing there, her mouth a wide "O" of surprise and shock.

"You in so much trouble," I dimly heard Mario grunt from the wreckage.

* * *

**Longest chapter yet. Also, the line "for the love of _toad_manity" makes me chuckle. I know, I suck. :p  
I enjoy writing this, for it gives me a nice break from writing my more serious stories. Even though it'srecieved hardly any reviews, I'm still going to keep writing this.  
But"hint, hint" people. If you read this story, for the love of...erm, toadmanity, leave a review! It'll take you two seconds to write "That wazzz gud, lol" or some such thing. You could even write a review telling me it's not funny; at least that way I get more opinions about how the story's going!  
I know that most people come to this site mostly for romance/action, and to read about their favourite pairings, but spare a thought for the other stories, too.  
Okay, I'm out. Nagging aside, I hope this chapter can at least make some people chuckle:)  
Oh, I also have to point out that when I'm writing dialogue for D.K, Luigi, or Mario, sometimes it will look like there's typos in there, but that's only how they speak. **


	6. Chapter 5: Mario is caught

**The fifth chapter to this crazy story. The only character I own here is Todd; everything else is not mine. Well, a few minor side-characters are mine as well, like Mortimer, but...oh, you know what I mean!**

* * *

Chapter 5: Mario is caught/The punishment/The meal

Peach walked down the large steps leading up to the door to her castle and over to the wreckage, her eyes wide and disbelieving.

I searched around desperately in my mind for some excuse, some reason how I could have let this happen.

"Peach, I can explain!" I lied.

There was more movement from the wreckage behind me, and then Toad emerged, looking shaken. He looked around groggily, spotted Peach, and gave a yelp of relief.

He ran over to her, sobbing, and clutched the hem of her dress.

"Mario's gone insane!" He wailed. "I-I had to use up the whole bottle of my new mace! Oh, protect me, Peach!"

Peach looked down at Toad, her expression sympathetic and caring.

_Great, _I thought bitterly. _Maybe if _I _cried and carried on like that, I could get out of this too._

Peach looked up, her eyes locked on mine.  
"Todd, what in the name of the Mushroom Kingdom caused this? Did Mario do this? I thought you and Luigi were supposed to keep an eye on him?" She asked pointedly.

Behind her, I noticed that an old Toad had emerged from the castle and was hurrying over. I recognized him as Toadsworth, the princess' advisor.

I took a deep breath, thinking that I might as well just try to explain what happened.

"We were at the shops, you see, and then Mario disappeared, and we went outside, and he had driven off on his kart with Toad on the back-you know, acting crazy and suicidal. Luigi and I gave chase, but he started throwing fire-balls back at us, and then the shop-keeper (he's in the wreckage somewhere there) started chasing _us_, since Mario stole lots of pasta and said that we would pay him the money, but we couldn't." I said speedily, watching Peach's face. She didn't look amused.

"So we're chasing Mario, but he's going up on the sidewalk and almost running over random old grannies, and then we all get a power-up, and we catch up to him, but he refuses to stop, and then we lose him, and the shop-keeper, Mortimer, catches up to us. He's trying to get the money from us, but then his wife somehow sees him and starts chasing _him_, so he panics and drives away from her with us, and we stop and Luigi and I explain to him that we need to get the money off of Mario, and he agrees to help us, because if he doesn't his wife will kill him, because she thinks he's cheating on her or something." I continued breathlessly.

Luigi climbed painfully out from under the wreckage and came to stand beside me, his eyes on the ground guiltily.

"Luigi, is this all true?" Peach asked him.

Luigi nodded, still not being able to look her in the eye.

"There's more. On the way to tracking Mario down, we run into Donkey Kong, who's on the run from the police in his kart, and he said he wanted to tag along because…well, just for the heck of it, I suppose. Maybe he thought that there would be bananas involved. Anyway, we all manage to track Mario down to this spooky house, and it's night suddenly, don't ask me how. We go inside, and everyone's really scared-which isn't helping-but then we manage to find Mario, only he's being chased by this enormous Boo, which starts chasing _us _as well. We manage to escape, get back on the free-way, and continue to chase Mario, when Mortimer's wife reappears, along with the Mushroom police. After that, Mario suddenly stopped his kart, and we all…um, _accidentally _crashed into him." I finished, finally.

Toadsworth huffed. "What a preposterous story!" He exclaimed.

Peach looked thoughtful. "I think it's what actually happened. Why would anyone make up all that ridiculous nonsense? It would just get them into more trouble."

Luigi nodded, his eyes on the ground. "It all happened! He forgot to mention the part where I bravely fought off the giant Boo with my bare hands, though."

I blinked. "That never happened!"

"You just didn't see it," he defended sulkily.  
"_What? _You were in _front _of me!" I cried.

"Enough!" Peach said.

Suddenly, there was a ruckus behind us, as everyone started to recover from the crash:  
"Oh…I say…what happened? Am I dead? Is this heaven? It must be!" I heard Mortimer mumble.

"You're going to _wish _it was heaven after I get through with you!" His wife snapped.

"You're here as well, dear? It can't be heaven, then. It must be hell!" Mortimer sobbed.

There was a slap, and then Mortimer climbed out from under the karts, rubbing his cheek, followed by his wife.

The wife, who was actually a lot younger than I expected, surveyed the wreckage, her expression angry.

"_Now _see what you've done? Not only have you destroyed your kart, but you've wrecked mine as well! And for what? What little hussy have you been chasing around town when you're meant to be at work? Oh, my mother warned me not to marry you, and I see now that I should have listened!" Mortimer's wife rattled on, not giving anyone else time to speak.

"No dearest, you've got it all wrong! I had to go after Mario, who stole from my shop for some reason, and get the money off of him! I swear!" Mortimer begged.

"A likely story!" The wife huffed, and then suddenly seemed to notice me, Luigi, Peach, Toad and Toadsworth standing there listening into the conversation.

"And who are all these people?" She demanded. "No-good bums, I bet! I…" Suddenly she faltered, having recognized Princess Peach at last.

"Your highness! What are you doing here?" She asked, turning red and bowing. "Don't tell me my husband's crash has distracted you from your duties!"

Peach shook her head, and it seemed to me that she was trying hard not to laugh.  
"Not at all. The crash wasn't your husband's fault, and I believe that he is telling the truth about Mario stealing from his shop, I'm afraid." The princess explained.

"Oh." The toad looked shocked. "Are you quite sure?" She turned to her husband. "How are you going to get the money now, huh? Do you even know where Mario is?"

"Somewhere under the pile-up still, I think," I mumbled.

"I will be happy to reimburse you the money that Mario owes," Peach said. "Just go into the castle-Toadsworth will escort you-and I shall be in shortly."

"Oh, thank you, your highness! You've saved me from an extra month of nagging!" Mortimer cried, while his wife glared at him.

The two toads went up into the castle, escorted by Toadsworth, who looked confused about the whole situation.

I felt relieved. At least that was one problem taken care of…

But we still had the Mushroom police to deal with. Two police toads crawled out of the crash-site looking quite grumpy and spiteful.

"Right!" One declared, walking over. "Who is responsible for all this? That's two police cars we have wrecked, not to mention all the bruises and bumps you've given us! I think I'll need to use up my _whole _ticket book for this lot! Speeding, causing injury to two police officers, harboring a known criminal named Donkey Kong, trespassing on the Castle grounds, and in general, causing a ruckus. Oh, and see that sign over there? It says "Keep off the grass", right? The worst offense of them all!" He cried, scribbling in his notebook.

My jaw fell. Oh crap…

The second police toad looked around curiously. "Where is the felon Donkey Kong, anyway?" He asked.

I looked around myself, and then spotted some movement up in a near-by tree. Examining the branches, I found two brown eyes staring out at me, blinking slowly. Donkey Kong held one finger up to his lips, and I shrugged. He hadn't really done anything too bad, so I wasn't about to snitch on him to the police.

"Please, officers, this has all been one huge accident." Peach said. "Mario's going through some…_tough times, _and I'm sure he didn't mean any of this to happen."

The toad holding the notebook blinked at her. "Your highness, are you saying that Mario is responsible for _all _of this, and not this young gentleman here? I had assumed that he was the ring-leader."

"No, I am afraid this was Mario's fault. Todd here was just trying to chase Mario and bring him back before he could do anything stupid," Peach explained.

The police officer looked thoughtful. He eyed me suspiciously.  
"So…would it be correct for me to say that it was your _job _to make sure that Mario stayed out of trouble? He asked, his lip curling up in a sneer.

I knew a loaded question when I heard one. If I answered no, it would be like me admitting that the accident was largely my fault, as I had no business chasing Mario. But, if I admitted that it was my job to look after him, I could be held responsible for the whole mess.

"Um…wait, I'm thinking." I stalled. "Er…well. Heh. It's sort of…complicated."  
"Just yes or no, please."

"…Yes?" I tried.

"Then I find you guilty of letting Mario run amuck!" The police toad declared, putting away his notebook. "However, since this can't be _your entire_ fault, you will not be charged."

I exhaled in relief.

"However!" He snapped. "To make sure this does not happen again, I have decided on your punishment."  
_What now…_I sobbed to myself.

The police toad sauntered over to the wreckage, reached in, and managed to pull out a sheepish-looking Mario.

"It-a all his fault!" He defended.  
"You're lucky we don't arrest you. But, seeing as you've saved the Mushroom Kingdom, what, more then five times, I'm willing to give you a second chance." The police toad lectured.

To everyone's surprise however, he suddenly snapped some handcuffs on Mario right hand.  
"Wha?" Mario cried, astonished. "It's-a me, Mario! You said you let me go!"

"Yes, but, to make sure you stay out of trouble, I am going to do _this."_ The police toad gloated.

Before I knew what was happening, he led Mario over to me, and connected the other end of the handcuffs to my left arm.

Mario and I stared at each other, now connected arm-to-arm.

Then, to make matters worse, the police toad brought out a second pair of handcuffs and connected Mario and I leg-to-leg.

"What's this?" I asked.

The police toad smirked. "Your job is to look after him, right? Well, now that he's connected to you, it should be no problem."

"No! Wait! You can't! At least leave me with the key to unlock them!" I protested wildly.

"No can do-we don't want another accident to happen." The toad said. He turned to the princess. "Your highness, I trust you to inform me once you believe that Mario can be trusted being un-cuffed. Then, I shall return with the key and set them both free."

"This is ridiculous! How am I meant to use the bathroom? Or wash? OH! And he SNORES like you wouldn't believe!" I sobbed.

"What? I-a don't snore! It's Luigi!" Mario defended angrily.

"He snores as well, but you lead the orchestra! And there you go again, always blaming others!" I snapped.

"Oh yeah? Blame THIS!" Mario cried, and started to slap at me nastily.

"Bring it, biatch!" I retorted, slapping him back. I was in an especially bad mood.

"Boys! BOYS!" Peach cried. "Stop it!"

We both stopped fighting, glaring at each other.

Peach turned to the police toad. "I think this is a great idea. Thank you for being so understanding."

The toad bowed, and then nodded to his partner. "Come on, we might as well report back to the yard about the ruined police cars," he muttered, and the two moved away.

Once the police were out of ear-shot, Peach turned to me, her eyes aflame.

"Stop complaining! You should be grateful you both weren't locked up! Now, you're going to have to deal with this situation as best as you can! Honestly, you couldn't even go to the shops without causing a public disturbance!" She snapped.

My jaw fell open. _Whoa_. I had never seen Peach so angry before.

"Peach, I'm so sorry. I only looked away for a second…" I mumbled, feeling like a child who was being told off by his parents.

She seemed to cool down. "I know. And at least you caught Mario…Mario, this was all your fault! Anyway, you can all come into the castle now, and we'll get you cleaned up and fed."

She spun around and moved up the steps to the castle.

Toad made to follow her, but turned around and looked at me instead.

"…I guess you weren't lying about being hired to look after Mario. I won't try to mace you anymore…for _now._ But I'm watching you!" He squeaked in a threatening manner, and then hurried up to the castle.

Next to Mario and I, Luigi snickered suddenly.

"What's-a so funny?" Mario demanded angrily.

"Oh, nothing…I was just picturing the two of you trying to make it up the stairs to the castle." He smirked, clearly enjoying himself.

"Hey, just because _you _got off blame-free…" I muttered. "And what's so hard about walking up some stairs? Just because I have a fat, Italian plumber attached to me, I'll still be able to do it without breaking a sweat."

Mario nodded in agreement. "I'm not fat, but I-a agree with you…for once."

"Okay, let's see you do it then!" Luigi challenged.

Mario looked at me. "Let's a-go!"

"Right!"

I moved my right leg forward easily enough. But then Mario must have moved forward too quickly, because suddenly he was in front of me, and then the short length of the cuffs on our legs caused him to turn right, being pulled back, and collide into me.

"Argh! Slower!" I chastised.

"Sorry…not used to being attached to slow-poke!" Mario insulted.

"Fine! Let's run, then!" I snapped.

We both ran forward with an awkward gait, up the stairs of the castle.

"Marioooooo!" Mario yelled in triumph.

"Um…Toooooodddddd!" I tried, and Mario turned and gave me a look.

We were half-way up when Mario tripped, fell on his face, and started to drag me down with him. I leaned back, trying not to fall, which just pulled us both backwards, causing us to tumble down the stairs and arrive, battered and bruised, at Luigi's feet.

"AHAHAHAHA!" Luigi screamed with laughter, his face turning red. He clutched at his sides, doubling over with mirth.

"I…hate…everything." I groaned, face-down on the concrete.

* * *

Ten minutes and three more painful falls later, Mario and I dragged our sorry selves into the main hall of Princess Peach's castle. Luigi closed the door behind us, out of breath from laughing too much. 

I gazed around the huge room. Stain-glass windows decorated the walls high above, and two massive staircases led the way up to the second floor.

Doors seemed to be everywhere, and toads hurried about the place, some carrying documents, others carrying trays or other items.

"Okay, where are we meant to go?" I asked aloud.

"I don't know. I always get lost in this place." Luigi admitted.

Thankfully, Toadsworth appeared from a side-door, and hurried over to us.

"Where have you _been?_ Oh, never mind. You could have washed up before eating, but seeing as you're so late, we might as well go straight into the dining area. Follow me, please." He said.

We followed the old toad, and personally I was quite relieved at having missed washing. There was no way I was taking any of my clothes off while being attached to Mario!

Toadsworth led the three of us through multiple rooms until we reached a long room that was fitted with a long table decorated with candles, flowers, cutlery and jugs of water.

"Sit, please." Toadsworth instructed, unnecessarily.

Mario made to move to the right side of the table, while I headed for the left. There was a crash as we both fell to the floor, cursing and complaining. Luigi -who had quickly sat down at the table to drink a mouthful of water -laughed so hard that the water sprayed out of his nose.

Picking myself up from the floor, Mario and I carefully both decided to go right, and finally sat at the table. On my right sat Toad, who was thumbing his butter knife and looking at me warningly, while Princess Peach sat at the head of the table, which was also to the right.

Opposite Mario sat Luigi, and next to him Mortimer sat with his wife, both looking pleased to be seated in the royal castle.

"What happened to you three?" Peach asked.

"Trouble with the stairs." Luigi giggled.

I shot him a glare, but Peach was still talking: "Oh? I'm sure you two will get used to walking like that. Anyway, I thought it would be nice if we all settled down for an afternoon meal, so I arranged for my chef to cook something up."

"We are so honored, your highness!" Mortimer's wife beamed.

I figured that the Princess probably already gave them the money that was owed to Mortimer, or else his wife wouldn't be looking so happy.

I took the time to look around the room. Behind me, large windows that went down almost to the floor gave an excellent view outside to the gardens of the castle, while in front of me a huge fireplace stood un-lit.

The walls were adorned with various paintings, and I noticed that one showed Peach playing golf, with Mario, Bowser, Yoshi, and a few other characters standing around in the background.

With my free right hand I sipped at my glass of water, and before too long toads carrying silver trays entered the room, bustling about the table as they set the food down.

Once everything was in place, the toads pulled the covers off the trays, revealing food that ranged from weird, mushroom curry, to fire-flower salad, and-of course-pasta.

When no-one moved to eat, Peach laughed and said "Please, help yourselves!"

Slowly, Mortimer reached a hand out to the mushroom curry, his eyes fixed on the side of his wife's head, who was looking elsewhere.

He had almost reached the food when, lightning-fast, his wife's hand shot out and slapped his hand away from the curry.

"Morty! You're on a diet, remember?" She pointed out.

"Oh, yes." Mortimer sighed, looking crest-fallen. "How could I forget. Guess I'll just have the salad, then."

"The salad is spicy though, being made with fire flowers," Peach warned. "I have the best cook! Her name's Zess.T, she can make pretty much anything."

I wrinkled my nose up at all the food. I just wanted something normal! The closest thing I could get was the pasta though, so I reached out with my fork to start shoveling some onto my plate.

There was a clang, and suddenly Mario's fork was locked against mine, in an intercepting movement.

"What are you doing?" Mario asked calmly, but there was fire in his eyes.

"I need some of that pasta, man! I'm starving! I can't eat any of this other food!" I pleaded.

"I-a don't think so! There's barely enough for a-me!" Mario hissed.

"There's a huge bowl of the stuff! Come on, I just need a bit!"

"You don't want to do that." Mario threatened. "You-a play with fire-flower, you-a might get burned!"

"That's cute. Seriously though, I'm having some. I saw how you were shoveling those frozen pasta meals in before: you've already eaten enough!" I snarled.

Mario's eyes narrowed menacingly.

"Let's do this thing, then." He whispered.

"I'm ready if you are!" I hissed.

Our forks clanged together-it was on! I'm a single-child, so I'm used to getting my own way. But, even being an only-child, I had still experienced the frenzied battles at the dinner-table a few times, and sometimes you just had to get in there with your fork and fight it out!

Sparks flew from our forks as Mario and I struggled to disarm one another.

"It's mine! My precious!" Mario hissed madly. "I am the master of the pasta!"

"You're only the master of evil, Mario!" I shouted.

I suddenly noticed that, from an open doorway to my left, plenty of toads were peering in, watching our epic battle take place. However, they weren't ordinary toads-they were all musicians.

I don't know why, but suddenly they began to play a sweeping, epic score-the violins leapt up, and a choir of toads started singing dramatically in Latin.

Our forks parried and struck over and over again, but I could see that Mario was winning-soon he would disarm me and take all the pasta! My stomach rumbled warningly.

I glanced around the table, and was met with shocked looks. Luigi had his fork half-way up to his mouth, hovering in the air, while he stared at us open-mouthed.

"What…the…" He said, but the last word was drowned out by a sudden tuba sound.

"You are weak! You do not know the power of the pasta!" Mario gloated, sensing that he was about to win.

Suddenly, from the band of toads, an electric guitar sprang up, which totally went against the mood of the dramatic Latin song.

Mario's eyes widened in horror. "That-a guitar! No! NO! Not him!" He cried.

I had no idea what he was talking about, but a toad wildly playing an electric guitar suddenly burst into the room. He leapt up onto the table and continued to play heavy riffs.

"Rock on!" He screamed.

Mario turned on the toad. "I thought-a I told you never to play that horrible thing again!" He screamed.

While he was distracted, I seized the opportunity to plunge my fork into the pasta, scoop up a large wad of the tasty-looking stuff, and speedily crammed the whole thing into my mouth.

Mario turned back to me, in slow-motion. "NOOOOOOO!" He warbled, but it was too late.

I chewed happily, a satisfied expression on my face, my cheeks bulging from the amount of pasta in my mouth. It really was pretty good!

The battle over, the musicians stopped playing and went back to their rooms. The toad with the electric guitar jumped off the table and scurried off.

Mario put his head on to the table and started sobbing quietly.

After lots of chewing, I finally swallowed the pasta. "Oh, knock it off! I only got a bit-there's plenty more there."

"It's-a ruined now! It's not all mine!" He sobbed.

"…what a baby." I said, shaking my head.

The others at the table still hadn't moved, their eyes wide with shock.

"I…I don't know what just happened." Peach finally said. "But I would like to get back to a…a normal meal, if we could."

Luigi finally ate the food on his fork. "That was epic." He said, simply.

The rest of the meal passed mainly without incident. I just sat there, not being able to eat anything else, while Mario sobbed to himself between spooning pasta into his mouth. What a pig.

I began to feel a tugging on my pant leg, and felt something hairy under the table. I ignored it at first, figuring that Peach must have some kind of dog in the castle. However, when the thing started to punch me in the leg, I started to suspect that it couldn't be a dog, and lifted up the tablecloth inconspicuously to have a look.

Under the table, Donkey Kong grinned up at me innocently.

"D.K! What do you want?" I hissed, trying to keep my voice low so no-one would notice. Beside me, Mario was crying too much to hear anything.

He held out a hand, and waggled his eyebrows.

"I _really _hope you're not hitting on me!" I whispered in dismay.

He frowned. "I want food, you idiot!" He hissed.

"Oh. Right."

He had obviously snuck into the castle just to get his hands on some food. I didn't see why, because surely he was famous and wealthy enough to afford to feed himself. But still, I grabbed some of the mushroom curry onto a plate, pretending to eat it, and then carefully slipped the entire plate under the table for the monkey.

He squealed softly in delight, and then I heard smacking sounds as he vacuumed the contents up. To my horror, he then let out a massive burp that actually shook the whole table.

Everyone turned to me, their eyes filled with disbelief and accusation.

I blushed, seeing that I was going to have to take the fall for it. "Um…heh. Excuse me." I said lamely.

"Todd, _really!_" Peach exclaimed.

* * *

And, Dear Diary, with the meal over, we were all free to "relax" around the castle. I couldn't do much relaxing though, with Mario attached to me! It's night now, and I'm about to go to sleep. Where am I now? Well, Peach invited all of us to stay the night at the castle, so Mario and I are sharing a room, and…a bed. Oh dear Jesus. I can't see how I'm going to be able to get through this! I'll have to stop writing now, though. Tomorrow I shall write more on how the night went, whether Donkey Kong is still hiding in the castle, and hopefully I'll find out how I can…can STOP MARIO FROM PEEKING OVER MY SHOULDER AT MY WRITING! 

…He just said that he "wasn't trying to look at my diary, but was looking at an interesting spot on the desk next to it." Yeah, right! All through-out the afternoon he has been sneaking glances at my diary, the nosey bum! I still have to find a way to snap Mario out of his depression, but I'm starting to fear that I'll need someone to snap _me _out of a depression, soon!

* * *

**And there you go! Sorry about the long and weird chapter name, but it sort of describes the chapter well. It's late, so if there's any major mistakes in this, blame the fact that I need sleep. :p  
Since the start of the story was sort of not that funny (I had to describe what happened to everyone after the crash, obviously), I decided to throw in a very weird part during the meal: that's right, where Mario and Todd battle dramatically over the pasta. For that part, I made a reference to Lord of the Rings (Mario saying "It's mine! My precious!" like Gollum), and numerous references to Star Wars: "You're only the master of evil" was a line from the, erm, 4th movie, I think, Mario saying "You are weak" kind of makes him like a Sith, and the whole Latin music thing and dramatic fork battle are all a nod to the movies.  
While I'm not _that _big a fan of the movies (I like them, but aren't obsessed with them), I just thought it would be fun to put in there. **

**Oh, and the electric guitar toad, for those paying attention, was the same toad that got out-of-hand in the Mario skit, during Mario's date. That's why Mario's easily distracted by him, and yells at him to go away. :p I might try to make a reoccuring joke around the electric guitar toad, hehe.**

**Second last thing: when Mario says "You-a play with fire-flower, you-a might get burned!", it's a reference to the saying "If you play with fire, you'll get burned", or whatever it is. It's kind of lame, so Todd's not really impressed. :p**

**Well anyway, I like where this story is going, I like writing it, and I think it's pretty funny at parts. I have to give a huge thank-you to Rynada, who went through and left 5 reviews, one for each chapter! Thank you so much! Hardly anyone reads this, so those reviews really counted. If I get even a couple of reviews per chapter for this, I'll be able to write heaps more happily. Until next time!**


End file.
